The impulse to reach you comes every once in a while, when a soft breeze catches my breath, and I close my eyes. A fresh cool Hawaiian breeze—Keanu. In each letter I’ve drafted since 2017 I inevitably ask you out on a coffee date. Each invite goes unfinished, and unposted; but, I keep Kona beans replenished—at $49 for 12oz, dare I say fancy? Full-bodied delish, every sip takes me through time tunnels of fiery lava crashing golden into a molten night sea: a magnificent explosion that precedes creation of new earth. Aloha! harken ancient spirits above miraculous clouds, and I obligingly pour a fresh brew of words onto my barren canvas.

Cool breeze over the mountain
Toes on water
A cross-over through time
Contemplating your reflection,
the other side of me.

Yes, I am a writer. Really, you may ask. Really, I will say. I turn to you each time I begin to recount generational quests for romantic love, sought, dashed, sweetly conquered, failed—yes, romantic love. Through what other lens is there; to view my path towards happiness, guided only by experience, fairy tales, and—well, of course—the movies, of which you are the One. Your images are everywhere, unavoidably streaming into my day-to-day.

Into my teens in the Philippines, I devoured sequels of Darna, the Filipino Wonder Woman; and the latest English releases, like My Fair Lady and everything Peter Sellers. Most of the time I sat mesmerized alone, under cinema darkness two to three times a week; a byproduct of paternal movie buffs: my father risked daily belting by skipping chores after school to catch the latest installment of black-and-white serials; and my doting grandfather Lolo every night after dinner disappeared into the local San Juan Theater for the last showing.

“Mom is a loner,” my two children matter-of-factly declare to family and friends. For their single mother, claiming a writer’s solitary life was probably an inevitable course. But in truth, I did not imagine a future beyond raising daughter and son into adulthood. For 30 years, my creations consumed my time and energy. I figured, well, only death awaited me on the other side of that horizon. My companion since this unexpected extended life has been my words; my memories translated into writing; about life motivated by the children, written for the children. Finding myself still alive and kicking and “a loner” proves mystifying these days, if not for the writing.

Life outside beckons and, so then, shall I pause again, flip the laptop close and brave the outside world today?

I don’t understand the words. I don’t have to understand the words. I cry every day. Every day I cry. I don’t know when I’ll stop, if I’ll ever stop. An internal river has broken free to run its course; gushing through arteries and gut into the bottoms of both feet. A daily trail pours into internal crevices you have blasted open.

Oh my most beautiful apparition, here you are, your boots planted on the same planetary orbit, your countenance smiling in every visual memory, rhythms undulating through my inner spaces. Engulfed in otherworldly dust, I clutch at an unbearable hunger.

I am shaken, shaking; and my core surrenders and lays still as it fills to a rising lilt in your voice. With every piercing vibration of your soul I squirm through this inexplicable upheaval that floats the deepest of yearnings, pulling out thorns, joy, both. Deeply I feel you. Deeply I weep, my mind’s eye ever-tracing your contours in my dreams and waking hours.

Where is my heart? Only shattered shards remain, shaped by a scaffolding of empty spaces. This womanly spring’s gentle morning air stirs scattered pieces lodged in memory; like translucent emeralds that bloom and flutter outside steel-framed glass. I inhale your lips’ vibrato that softly glides around the edges of each moment’s sip; a fresh brew that soothes a sleepy heart. I exhale the aroma of yesterday’s memory; of this lyrical excursion from your tongue to my innermost truth—sending my mind in a spin. How could I be awash with a stranger’s emotions passionately conveyed in a language so foreign? Crystal clear is my reflection of your sorrow and your love that come alive again and again, like the seasons passing my city panes. Freezing. Melting. Greening. Browning. Your aching overtures pierce my empty womanly spaces; pinings burrow within the cold. If I close my eyes, bittersweet tears flood alongside yours in darkness; loving memories pass through and take flight just as suddenly. Do we live in channels parallel, sadly never to meet? But you are of this earth!

Every day I feel you trickling inside, an invisible intravenous infusion of life. Underneath the flow of tears a smile begins to stretch. In human form my vision has suddenly arrived, to take me to the water; I shall sail and feast of the harvest with you, my hardy fisherman. I want to hold your beauty and power in spaces close to my chest; in each breath every waking hour and nightly slumber, through my finite days. I do not need a god by my side. Lead me to your human counterpart. I just want to go fishing.

Have we met in another life? I’ve sensed that, too. Maybe we’ve led parallel lives up until this point, but parallels never meet if I remember my geometry correctly. But parallels do intersect on another plane or dimension. Are we here, hovering in cyberspace? Do we now meet after all the waiting, from lifetime(s) ago? Or are we still defying the odds?

You see, Mom, my daughter tells me yesterday. If you put it out there, the universe will respond. I have been coming to terms with my deep desires and writing them down for a while now. I just didn’t realize the universe need to hear my wishes through the Internet!

I hope you can withstand more nonconforming poetry. The words below I wrote this July, while contemplating the water across the west coast island cabin in which I was staying.

There, in the distance, a lighthouse signals
A soft breath of yearning
An elbow tug
Here we sit, in the gift
Seeing yet not seeing
A watery mirror of our natures
Visible from the other shore.

The true completeness hidden
By a passing boat, slicing
An amoebic glimmery shadow tall
Treetops rising into the wide sky blue
At once plumb the depths of lush golden green currents

Does love reach upwards or down
Equally, steadfast
In all directions separate, in its time
Its colors, intensify, reflections elusive in its fullness
In this secret light
Finding root instead in the shadows
Of thick growth indiscernible, brutal gods fooled—

Hand in hand, we sit
Mind in mind
Separate, day to day
Lips not touching
A sand line of eternity between us
While an ocean’s life flows freely
Leaving behind what could not be said
A love more alive in its silence.

Yours,

I have not felt as deeply loved by any other man the way I felt loved by you—
Stepping out of ordinary lives, For a few perfect hours We basked along a Malibu beach
On a beautiful February day And I seized it What I could fit in my hand
With all my heart This colorful Pacific rock that now sits on my city window sill.

Today
It struck me As I looked up To the early evening sky My mind catching That imaginary plane above Stamford station’s blares Disappearing into the clouds Over San Juan—Looming, Is another birthday Emerging are my Future plans When a few months ago There were none Exit the biggest city Fast-moving material pursuits My home of 40 years Towards the beachfront, mango trees, a fishing boat

But what of the future, Near Or far If life as I know it Could end With the snap of a finger Just like that Much like our life, together Abruptly snuffed In 1972 Now up in the air Your far-away voice penetrating Teasingly Lovingly Deeply Your endearing words Opening up The real me Liking who I am Who I could aspire to be When I’m hearing you Your Long-distance I love you’s In posted letters now lost ee cummings in playful spiral scribbles Sweetly hand-delivered Innocence ‘I kinda dig you’ Your Song Still lyrically tender— loving glimpses that inspired For it is quite plain to me It is for you that I write each day—

Our magical Malibu interlude Orchestrated gifted by the gods My inner self Given full voice With you For you Otherwise denied The rushing ocean waves Drowning out decades of reality A bright February day Rekindling What had been lost Inside Both of us Inside My soul

As though I have forgotten What it was like To be That closed self You discovered Gazing out the window one May Withdrawn Confined Ashamed Afraid To venture out To share—I want to tell you —How lucky I felt So special When you appeared So interested To reach me The lengths to which You patiently Waited Listened Restrained Showered me With affection Climbed towards me Behind my bars Past Dad’s hurtful screams Even while your own life Unraveled Painfully Our future together Uncertain Knowing I had to depart On that plane—Leaving you behind Leaving us behind Our time spent together So short When love had just arrived To save me Kiss me

Our brief February walk—Long foretold By our Quezon sentiments Sand-sketched—Coaxed me out Of my shell again My emotions flowing My mind undeterred Reliving newfound love Back when You drew me out Your love persistent Consistent During visits to the dorm swing Cheering from the bench, On my fast breaks You made me feel safe Cherished Hands clasped at the New Frontier You were Sunshine A life source Of lovely surprises Guitar strumming on my house steps Serendipitous encounters Along Blumentritt, Poetry after poetry Conveying your love—

You touched me And I responded My insecurities Cast aside Slowly…You embraced me Closely Closer Until this heart Beat as one with yours Our lips locked Atop those dark wooden steps Each night My desire awakened Undressed Our longing sighs Heightened Hushed Forced we were to escape As far away as the Buses and trains would run Your arms around me On the dewy Luneta grass Our eyes, flesh intertwined On a wooden Quezon bed Cuddled, caressing On the cold, hard church floor Craving, touching In the quiet darkness of midnight Our mutual desire Unabated Perpetually growing This body remembers yours all too well Permanently Absorbed In my living cells

Physically at a distance We may remain But we can hold on To the truth that Our love Transcends Space Time Human frailties Capricious gods Our spirits side by side Let’s fill the space Between us Real and remembered Where our great love story Was conceived On that long-ago birthday When I returned home From your arms This mind This body This self Transformed Forever.